Nervous System Therapy for People-Pleasing and Shame: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

Many people think people-pleasing is simply being “too nice.”In reality, it’s often a survival response, deeply rooted in how our nervous system learned to keep us safe.For those living with shame, perfectionism, or the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, people-pleasing can feel almost automatic. And if you’re neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, or otherwise wired differently), masking and over-responsibility may add another layer of emotional exhaustion.

This constant self-silencing can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, and even physical symptoms. That’s why working with your nervous system, not just your thoughts can be so transformative.

The Link Between People-Pleasing, Shame, and the Nervous System

When you grow up in an environment where expressing your needs wasn’t safe whether due to criticism, neglect, or chaotic relationships, your body adapts.One of those adaptations is the fawn response (part of trauma responses alongside fight, flight, and freeze).

The fawn response teaches you to:

• Keep others happy to avoid conflict

• Put your needs last

• Apologise excessively

• Avoid setting boundaries

Over time, this becomes less of a “choice” and more of a programmed survival pattern in your nervous system.

Why Shame Feeds the Cycle

Shame tells us: “You are bad”  not just “You did something bad.”It thrives in isolation and secrecy. People-pleasing can temporarily shield us from shame, but it never actually heals it.

Shame often forms early, in moments when we needed comfort but received criticism, silence, or rejection instead. In therapy, we can revisit those moments with compassion and new resources, allowing the nervous system to rewrite the story.

How Nervous System Therapy Works

Approaches like somatic experiencing, polyvagal theory, and person-centred therapy focus on helping you feel safe enough in your body to begin setting boundaries, expressing emotions, and breaking free from old patterns.

You might learn to:

• Recognise when you’re in a fawn, freeze, or fight/flight state

• Use grounding techniques to regulate your nervous system

• Build tolerance for expressing needs without guilt

• Reconnect with your body’s signals for safety and danger

This isn’t just “thinking differently” it’s rewiring your brain through neuroplasticity and giving your body new experiences of safety and self-worth.

Why This Matters for Neurodivergent Clients

If you’re neurodivergent, you may have spent years masking - consciously or unconsciously hiding your natural expressions to “fit in.” Masking is exhausting and can intensify shame, anxiety, and depression. Nervous system therapy creates space for you to be authentically yourself without fear of rejection.

It’s Never Too Late to Heal

No matter how long you’ve lived with shame or people-pleasing patterns, your brain and body are capable of change. Therapy isn’t about “fixing” you it’s about helping you feel safe enough to show up as you truly are.

You are not “too much.” You are not “not enough.”You are allowed to take up space, speak your truth, and live without apology. The right therapist will provide the right conditions for you to feel safe, to open up and hopefully you'll be able to open up, speak your truth to the therapist and repair and that can be transformative.