Attention-Seeking or Connection-Seeking? Rethinking Self-Harm
- Erika Zazzu
- Sep 29
- 6 min read
“He/She’s just attention-seeking.” We’ve all heard that phrase, but it begs the real question: why? Why would someone feel such overwhelming emotion that the only way to release it is through cutting or burning themselves? To me, that’s not attention-seeking, it’s a sign of deep pain, of unmet needs, of someone craving understanding. If it is is 'attention seeking' I don't believe that should be judged in the way it often is. If a person feels the only way to be seen is by hurting themselves, that also speaks to something in their environment. Sometimes the problem lies with the people around them, yet this can be incredibly hard for the person who self-harms to recognise, especially if the messages they’ve absorbed are that they’re “dramatic,” “performative,” or “too much.”
When I personally self-harmed, it wasn’t about showmanship or manipulation. It was about finding a release. For me, it was anger. Anger that had nowhere else to go, anger that should have been directed outward but instead got turned inward but there was always a small part of me that hoped someone would one day see this and finally understand how sad I felt. I couldn't describe what I was experiencing at the time but I felt deeply ashamed and alone. I wanted someone to see me and at the same time I would hide this
because I was also terrified of being truly seen, as it did not feel safe for me. For others, the reasons may differ: numbing unbearable feelings, breaking through emotional emptiness, or signaling a cry for help when words felt impossible. Self-harm is one of those subjects often shrouded in silence, taboo, or quick judgments. Yet the research paints a different picture, one that calls for compassion.
How common is self-harm?
You might be surprised to learn how widespread self-harm is. Studies suggest that about 4–6% of adults will self-harm at some point in their lives. Among adolescents and young adults, that number is much higher, often between 10–20%. For many, it’s a hidden coping mechanism that never makes it into medical records, meaning the true numbers are likely even greater
At several points in my life, I turned to self-harm as a way of coping with feelings I couldn’t manage otherwise. It offered a temporary release, a fleeting sense of relief. Much of it was tied to anger I didn’t even recognise at the time. Hurting myself felt safer, easier, and less confronting than expressing that anger toward others. In truth, I didn’t even realise it was anger, by then, it had been so deeply transformed into self-hatred that turning it inward seemed like the only option.
Why Self-Harming Is Often Connected to Feeling Invalidated
One of the primary reasons people engage in self-harm is the experience of emotional invalidation. When their feelings, thoughts, or experiences are dismissed, ignored, or judged harshly by others. This invalidation can come from family, friends, or society, leading to feelings of isolation and invisibility. When someone’s emotional pain is not acknowledged or validated, they may turn inward, using physical pain as a way to externalise and manage the emotional chaos.
The Role of Misunderstanding in Self-Harm
Misunderstanding exacerbates the problem. When individuals who self-harm are labeled as “attention-seeking” or “weak,” it deepens their sense of alienation. Self-harm, if it is a way of seeking attention then that should be viewed as someone desperately lacking in attention who probably needs to be understood. An expression of inner turmoil that words alone cannot convey. Recognising self-harm as a communicative act rather than a mere symptom helps to foster empathy and encourages supportive responses.
Self-Harm as a Cry For Help
Self-harming behaviors are often the silent scream of someone who feels unable to ask for help more directly. It can be an attempt to regain a sense of control, to release built-up emotional pressure, or to feel something when emotions feel numb. This act can be misunderstood as harmful without purpose, but in reality, it often signals an urgent need for connection, understanding, and professional support.
Perspective
Self-harm is often misunderstood. Many assume it’s simply “attention seeking,” but in truth, it is usually an attempt to cope with overwhelming feelings. When we can’t find safe ways to release emotional pain, the body may turn to physical pain as a way of regulating the nervous system, even if only temporarily.
Why People Self-Harm
From a trauma and nervous system perspective, self-harm can be:
• A way to regain a sense of control when life feels chaotic.
• A method of releasing built-up tension or numbness.
• A way of communicating distress when words feel impossible.
For many, it’s not about wanting to die - it’s about trying to survive unbearable emotions.
A biopsychosocial puzzle
Researchers have also explored the biology of self-harm. For example, some studies suggest that self-harm may temporarily alter the body’s stress response, releasing endorphins that blunt emotional pain. But biology is just one piece of a complex puzzle that also includes trauma, relationships, mental health, and cultural context.
The Role of the Nervous System
When the nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, freeze or fawn the body searches for release. Self-harm can temporarily bring the body back into balance, but it does not heal the root cause. Trauma, chronic stress, and disconnection from self and others often lie beneath these patterns. Working with the nervous system through somatic therapy, grounding, and safe connection helps build healthier coping strategies.
Self-harm doesn’t happen in isolation. It’s often entangled with patterns like people pleasing, perfectionism, and deep shame. For many neurodivergent people, these patterns can feel especially intense and self-harm can become a way of coping with the unbearable weight of never feeling “enough.”
The Pressure to Please
People pleasing can start as a survival strategy: if I keep everyone happy, maybe I’ll stay safe, loved, or accepted. But the constant self-abandonment creates a quiet build-up of anger, exhaustion, and despair. When those feelings have no safe outlet, self-harm can emerge as a release valve.
Shame: The Core Wound
Shame whispers, “You’re too much” or “You’re not enough.” It fuels self-harm by creating a cycle:
Shame leads to perfectionism and people pleasing.
Perfectionism is impossible to sustain.
“Failure” triggers more shame.
Self-harm becomes a way to punish, numb, or regulate overwhelming feelings.
Perfectionism and Control
Perfectionism says, “If I just do everything right, I’ll finally be okay.” But perfection is unattainable. The gap between who you are and who you think you “should” be widens and that gap can feel unbearable. Self-harm can provide a fleeting sense of control in a world that otherwise feels impossible to manage.
Neurodivergence and Masking
For neurodivergent people, these struggles can be amplified:
Masking (hiding traits to fit in) can mimic people pleasing but runs even deeper.
Rejection sensitivity makes criticism or conflict feel like a physical blow.
Chronic burnout comes from striving to meet neurotypical standards.
When the nervous system is overloaded, self-harm may appear as a desperate way to regulate or escape. It’s not about weakness, it’s about survival in a world that often misunderstands neurodivergent needs.
Moving Towards Healing
Healing means unpicking the web of shame, people pleasing, and perfectionism. It’s about:
Building nervous system regulation so intense emotions feel survivable.
Creating safe spaces where you don’t need to mask or perform.
Reframing perfectionism into self-compassion and acceptance of being human.
Finding new coping strategies that soothe without harm.
Self-harm and suicide: connected, but not the same
It’s vital to distinguish non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) from suicide attempts. The intention is usually different: NSSI is most often about staying alive in the face of pain, whereas suicide attempts involve intent to die. That said, a history of self-harm does increase the risk of future suicidal thoughts or behaviors. This is why professionals treat any instance of self-harm as serious and worthy of support.
Why compassion matters
At its heart, self-harm is about coping with pain. Dismissing or punishing the behaviour only adds shame, which can drive it further underground. Instead, compassion, curiosity, safe relationships and regulation. Asking directly about suicidal thoughts does not plant ideas, it opens doors. Listening without judgment creates safety. Offering therapy that teaches emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal skills gives people tools that last far longer than scars.
Self-harm is a signal, a red flare that someone is overwhelmed and needs another way to cope. Research gives us reason for hope: recovery is possible. The conversation we most need is not about blame or fear, but about understanding and care.
If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm or suicidal thoughts:
In the UK, you can call Samaritans at 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org.
If you’re elsewhere, check local crisis services, or call your local emergency number if immediate danger is present.
Reach out to myself for support erika.therapy@outlook.com and visit my services.
No one has to face this alone.
Final Note
If you’re caught in this cycle, you’re not broken. The patterns of self-harm, people pleasing, shame, and perfectionism were born from survival but survival is not the same as living. With the right support, new ways of being are possible.
