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  • Writer's pictureErika Zazzu

Can you change your Childs attachment style?

Are you an anxious parent? Do you worry how your attachment style might impact your children?

Have you recently discovered your attachment style? Are you now frantically trying to figure out if you have unconsciously repeated the same patterns with your children?

I have been there and I think sometimes knowing these things, can have an impact on how you show up as a parent. I knew about attachment theory before I became a parent which meant that the anxiety to 'get it right' to provide a secure attachment for my children meant ironically I was showing up with more anxiety. I spent a long time, calculating, overthinking and trying my hardest not to give them my anxiety. Every time they cried, I feared that this was a sign that they were becoming anxious. Only now on reflection can I see how harshly I was judging myself, how this added to the pressure that ultimately gave them anxiety in the first place. I used to search endlessly, reading studies, trying to find out if I could definitely change my Childs attachment style. There are not many direct answers out there and of course that filled me with more anxiety. Looking back at this now, I can see how answers can be so hard to come by because of lack of research and of course the fact that everyones situation is so different. I tried so hard to measure myself through the eyes of everyone else, that I forgot how I wanted to parent, what I wanted to offer these human beings.

I am writing this post, as I want to offer reassurance, hope and understanding to other parents who may have been going through something similar. There really is no rule book and for those with anxiety, this can lead to doubt, uncertainty and the inner critic to run wild. I noticed as I worked through this anxiety, I would see less of it in my children, I would notice how I would interpret normal ways of being for babies as a sense of unhappiness. This led to lots of healing around my own discomfort with the crying, realising that emotions only get stronger with the stories we attach to them, our resistance and denial. When you let an emotion pass through you, it loses its power. I began to see a huge difference in the way my children handle their emotions as toddlers, toddlers will go from extreme to extreme and if we get caught up in those extremes it can actually keep us stuck. I have witnessed my children move freely from being upset to being happy, I don't ignore their emotion and yes I still feel some discomfort however, I recognise that, I sooth myself first and I ensure I can show up for them in the moment. Sometimes I think we create stories based on our past, subconscious and our adult interpretations when in fact emotions will always come and go, it's a normal part of being a human being. Without sadness we would not recognise happiness, there is value to all emotions, even anger, the one I denied for so long.

So if you're reading this and like me, you are searching for answers regarding attachment styles, wondering if you can change your Childs attachment style. Please rest reassured that if you can begin to trust yourself, look after yourself and heal yourself then that will only help your children, they don't need someone that does it all, they just need a parent that's present and willing to be with them. I can see a huge difference in my children now I have found more peace within myself and you can too!


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